Fantasy Baseball to English Dictionary

We geeks have a code.  Our own special language.   Often we aren’t even aware we are speaking it.  The words come out, and those who aren’t in the fantasy baseball world have no idea what we are talking about.  In the effort to help communication with our non-baseball loving brethren (and sistren), I have developed a Fantasy Baseball to English Dictionary.  This should help your friends and family translate all of your jibber-jabber.  This will probably the the first installment of several.  Please feel free to send your ideas as well.

Andrews, James Dr. (An-drews James, dok-tor)  N:  1) Bad news.  2) A highly skilled physician whom all fantasy GMs want their players to avoid like the clap.  Dr. James Andrews confirmed that surgery was necessary.

Around the Horn (a-rownd the horn) N:  1) A TV show that acknowledges the power of fantasy sports.  2)  The platform on which sportswriters yell at each other.  3)  The act of throwing the ball around the infield after an out with no one on base.  Tim Cowlishaw would win Around the Horn more often if he would stop plugging himself.

Breakout (brak-owt) N:  1) A player who has largely exceeded his expectations.  2) Every fantasy Gm’s wet dream.  Drafting three breakouts helped him win the championship.

Bullpen Vulture (Bull-pen Vul-ture) N:  1) What a fairly worthless fantasy pitcher is called in order to boost his trade value.  2)  A setup man.  3)  A bird that nests in the bullpen, feeding on bad pitchers.  Hey man, the fact that he is the bullpen vulture in St. Louis gives him extra value.

Bust (bust)  N:  1)  A player who’s value did not come close to expectations.  2)  A woman’s …….uh……her, uh ……. never mind.  There is no #2.  When Andruw Jones hit only .165 in the first half, he proved to be a bust.

Commissioner (com-ish-in-er)  N:  1)  The individual responsible for running and maintaining a fantasy league.  2)  Powerhunger tyrant.  I sure hope that Mike will be commissioner this year.  See also:  God.

Draft (draft) N:  1) The event during which teams are selected for a fantasy baseball league.  2)  The few hours every year where best friends turn bitter rivals.  There is yelling, screaming, and much beer consumed.  It’s my fantasy baseball draft honey……. I got Matsui!

Ego (e-go) N:  1) The mental view one has of one’s self.  2)  The part of the fantasy GM that you must stroke to get a deal done.  The deal was easy once I massaged his ego a bit.

Fantasy Baseball (Fan-tas-e Bas-bal) N:  1) An activity enjoyed by millions of geeks in which they pretend they are running a major league baseball team.  Fantasy baseball championships bring with them big-time bragging rights.

GM (gee-em)  N:  1)  The owner and operator of a fantasy team.  2)  A geek with too much time on his hands.  3)  Both.  An astute GM would read Rotobuzz.com daily.

Hurler (hur-ler) N: 1) Slang for a pitcher.  2)  Me after having too much to drink.  Johan Santana is the best hurler in the game.

Injury Prone (in-ger-e pron) ADJ:  1)  Having a predisposition to be easily hurt.   I would have ranked him higher, but he is injury prone.  See also:  Mark Prior.  Kerry Wood.

Keeper (kee-per) N:  1) A player who’s value is too large to release.  2)  Any player that I am trying to trade.  I can’t drop him, he is a total keeper.

Loser (loo-ser) N:  1)  Anyone that doesn’t finish first.  2)  The guy in your league that drafts a team and is not heard from again all season.  Man, Chris is such a loser for not making any trades.

Monday (mon-day)  N:  1) A day on which fewer than normal baseball games are scheduled.  2) The day that roster moves are due.  I hate that there are only 4 games this Monday.  See also: Thursday.

On the Block(on the blok) EXP:  1) An expression used to designate players that are available for trade.  2)  A list of sub-standard or over-performing players.  No you can’t have Wright, but Pedro Feliz and Chad Tracy are on the block.

Pujolsian (Poo-holes-i-an) ADJ:  1)  To be of substantially better quality than expected.  2) Mighty.  His Pujolsian effort was a key factor in my championship.

Radar  (Ra-dar) N:  1) The conscious knowledge a GM has about the available players in the major leagues.  2)  The spunky little corporal on the hit TV show MASH.  It was a good thing I read Rotobuzz.com.  They put Mike Aviles on my radar.  See also:  Spidey Sense.

Scrub (skrub) N:  1)  A player that is not worthy of being in the starting lineup.  2)  Any player that I cannot seem to trade.  Franklin Gutierrez is such a scrub, I have to get him out of my lineup.

Shelling (shel-ling)  N:  1)  An outing in which a pitcher gives up many runs in few innings.  2)  The means of destruction for one’s fantasy ratios.  3)  Any outing by Livan Hernandez.  When Livan gave up 11 hits and 5 runs in 3 innings, it was a real shelling. 

Smoking Crack (smo-king crak)  EXP:  1) An expression used to show disbelief in another’s statement.  If you think I am going to do that deal you proposed, you are smoking crack.

Steal (steel)  N:  1)  Any player who was acquired for significantly less than his true value.  When Howard drafted Hanley Ramirez for $1 in 2005, it was the steal of the draft.

Stud (stud) N:  1)  One of the best players.  2)  A keeper.  3)  Any player I am trying to trade.  Man, Lance Berkman is a stud.  See also: studly. studliness.

Trade (trade)  V: 1)  The process of making one’s team better by exchanging players with another team.  2)  A method of destroying one’s own chances at winning.  3)  The method your competition uses to completely rips off other teams in the effort to beat you.  That trade was great, I should come in the money now.

Waiver Wire (wav-er wier)  N:  1) the place where desperate GM’s search for talent to put in their lineup.  2)  The place where smart GMs go to find the next big thing.  When I picked up Ryan Braun from the waiver wire, my team’s fortune changed.

Whiphole (Wip-hol) N:  1)  The GM’s orifice into which bad pitching outings are painfully inserted.  Man, that AJ Burnett outing really made my whiphole hurt.

Yeah, Right (yah rite)  exp: 1)  The appropriate response to 90% of trade offers.  You want me to trade you Dunn, Bradley, Buerhle, and BJ Ryan for Morneau?  Yeah, Right!